it's been quite awhile since i wrote one of these so i decided now may be a good time. things have been- well, lets just put it as things have been. school started. senior year! i thought it was supposed to feel better than it does. not as confusing. not like everythings falling to hell. i don't know. things have been overwhelming. my best friend and my boyfriend are getting a bit annoyed with the fact that i don't open up. for AP art we have to draw a still life that can be represented as a self portrait. my teacher told us to ask our friends ten good and bad qualities about us. a lot of people told me i don't have enough bad qualities. but then there's the people who know me the best and know i have too many. my best friend wrote down that im cold hearted. bitchy. ocd. self harming. and a bunch of other crap. i've always said that im a cold hearted bitch, but i guess theres a difference from saying it and hearing it.
maybe i truly am. i don't know. but i do know that emotions kill me. i hate them and sometimes i wish i didn't have any. like my boyfriend yesterday told me that he loved me. it killed me to think that someone could love a person like me. someone so careless and heartless. i want so much more for him than what i can give. i know he'd be better off without me, but he can't see that and he won't even think of it. i hurt him so much, and i know i do. he's doing so much for me and i can't give up stupid little things for him. instead im just digging myself deeper into a hole. he needs so much more than me. but he just hasn't realized it yet. and i think when he does it will kill me even more than i ever thought it could. but i want the best for him. i want him to have someone whos not a cold heartless bitch. and when he finds her i'll be the happiest out of anyone he knows. he deserves the world. and thats something i just can't give.